I debated about whether another non-news post was necessary so soon after the first one but, I figure you all are on baby watch at this point and if you haven’t heard anything for a couple days you might start calling me again. So, in an effort to stymie that, here’s my post telling you there is as of yet, no baby in sight.

I’m doing squats, lunges, stair climbing, bouncing on my exercise ball, anything and everything to get the baby to move down and start some contractions. I wish it were that simple. And, now with the snow piling up on my driveway I’m not even sure I can get to the store to try to find some of the herbal remedies like castor oil, evening primrose oil and raspberry leaf tea. Benoit couldn’t find any of those at the local Raley’s the other day…how small of a town is this anyway??

This small, according to the local police blotter:

• 4:34 a.m. - An officer investigated possible vandalism of a 1969 Dodge truck on Butler Street and found what appeared to be Silly String.
• 11:51 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Broad Street reported an individual dancing like a robot in a parking lot. Police were unable to locate the dancer.
• 12:11 p.m. - A caller from the 400 block of Jordan Street reported hearing a creaking sound, possibly a cupboard opening or a chair. Police contacted the caller and all was fine.

At least I have some police news for diverting my attention from all the baby anticipation…and what news it was yesterday!

I hesitate about whether or not writing this post today would be too much like a drive-by shooting for anyone daring to read it. My mood is so glum, so wasted by anticipation and doubt and fear that I can’t help wondering what words might spew forth if let my fingers do the talking. I guess I’ll take my chances at offending everyone with my absolute bum-zero, downer of a post.

So, here’s the news. There is no news. News generally indicates that there is some sort of information made available or made known that previously was indiscernible or unavailable. News carefully includes the word “new”. In this case, there is none of that. The doctor basically reached up as far as her hand allowed, and this was one time in my life where I wished for a male doctor with his longer fingers, and proclaimed the same statistics she did last week. 1 centimeter dilated, zero effacement, and an approximately an 8lb. baby whose head is at -3 station, and that my friends, might as well be as far away as the moon. See, I try to explain to this baby that in order to actually be born she must put her little head in the general area of my pelvis but she doesn’t seem to get it, preferring instead to rollick around, kick and squirm and otherwise be a nuisance. It’s a little like trying to trap a mouse with bad cheese. She must just sense the discomfort that awaits at the end of the tunnel and thus carefully keeps her distance.

Now, I’m hoping that by spilling this little pity party of un-news news unto the pages of my blog I may be able to head off the inevitable phone calls and emails asking me if I’ve “had that baby yet” and telling me how “anxious” you are for that baby to get here. You think you are anxious? Really? Because, I’m pretty sure I get the gold medal for that. I’m pretty sure, but I’d be happy to check again, that I’m the one who really really needs this baby to come on out soon if I want to survive. That makes me pretty damn anxious, more anxious than you, I bet. But, it’s just a guess. I’ll have to check with the authorities on that one.

See…I told you it was a bad idea to write a blog post when you’ve just received the most un-news, news. But I knew you’d want to hear about it anyway. And, now I’ve gone and offended people with my crabby 9 months and 2 days pregnant sarcasm. Sorry. I promise to return to my normal happy, jovial and still sarcastic self just as soon as this little person decides to vacate the property.

P.S. One more thing to annoy me: The baby countdown ticker on this blog has reverted to counting UP! It now reads that I have 2 days to go before my due date. And I’m sure it’ll tack on another day tomorrow. Nothing is more depressing than watching your countdown go up each day. I might have to remove this useless bit of technology except I keep thinking maybe one day it’ll be funny to me, like the day I give birth and it says “140 days to go!”.

Well folks, the due date has come and gone and still there’s no baby in sight. Even my little countdown ticker has painfully stopped at “one day to go”. It seems these things are not designed for overdue babies. It’s depressing me just to look at it anymore.

I’m having contractions but nothing regular or intense, just enough to make me think maybe something is happening, or will happen, eventually, someday in the future, hopefully not too distant future. Tomorrow is my next doctor’s appointment and hopefully she’ll be able to tell me more about our options and my pesky-tight cervix. Until then, we’re practicing acupressure techniques every 2 hours to try and jump start things.

And, I’m changing the home answering machine message to say: “No news means no baby!” and I’m not returning phone calls about it any more. I’m sure you all can understand how disheartening it can be to have to repeat the non-eventful news over and over. And, we’re so technologically inclined that we’ll be bringing the laptop and cell phones and all other communicative devices to the hospital with us so you will all be updated just as soon as something actually happens. Trust in technology!

She told me I am the same as last week, 1cm dilated, high and the baby’s head is still very high. It’s the last part that she’s most worried about, saying that if the baby doesn’t drop, I won’t dilate and inducement when you aren’t dilated has about a 60% failure rate ending in a c-section. GRRREAT! Happy news indeed!

So, the lunar tug on my womanly insides apparently made no difference and I’m still left wondering if/when the baby will decide to make her debut. Only, now things get interesting because the doctor is on vacation this weekend from Fri-Sun and the baby is due on Saturday. So, if I want to have my doctor catch this baby I’m going to have to get her to come on out a few days early or wait a few days longer than I had planned. Anyway, we aren’t going to talk about inducing labor until next Monday, 1/28, after I pass my due date and she has another opportunity to check out what my cervix’s been up to. If that squishy little trapdoor has been doing it’s job we may be able to induce later next week. If not, the doctor will let me progress to 41 1/2 weeks before trying to induce me to give my body the full and complete gestation period to make something happen on its own, which everyone agrees is the best option.

The weight of the baby isn’t even a factor at this point. If my body isn’t ready for labor, inducing me will only make having a c-section practically inevitable. Plus, lots of women have birthed huge babies naturally when they go into labor on their own. I’d rather take my chances using God’s good old-fashioned exit route than have some surgeon create a new one. We’ll see if I get a choice about it though.